Do you have the spoons for that?
(The words and opinions of this blog are that of the author and her experiences. This is not professional advice, and should not be used in lieu of that.)
Social constructs play a crucial role in shaping human interactions and societal norms. Social constructs are concepts such as time, personal space, and capacity - they are not inherently tangible but are defined by collective agreement and cultural context.
Speaking of time, that is a big one for me. I’m not saying I cannot fathom the concept of time - one rotation of the Earth = a day. Makes total sense. We then divided that into 24 ‘hours’. Why 24? I think it descended from Ancient Egyptian star charting, it doesn’t bother me and it’s a system that clearly works. I promise I’m not on a path to deconstruct time.
The thing is, an hour can feel like forever OR go by in a blink of an eye… depending on what you are doing.
So time, as social construct moves forward continuously forever and, pun intended, ticks over at a consistent rate. Time to an individual though fluctuates in speed completely pending the environment and is finite - we all have an end to our time.
I struggle to think too far ahead and plan accordingly, a month away can be here tomorrow (what feels like anyway), and who knows what will happen in that month that can change course of life, and a question I frequently find me asking myself, how do I know what my capacity would be then?! Time on the daily baffles me too, I can sit down at 7pm to draw for what feels like an hour - then suddenly its 2 am (and my daughter wakes in 3 hours). Simultaneously, I can go run on the treadmill for an hour and… it’s been 8 minutes. Eight. Minutes.
Personal space and social boundaries are another social construct that has even more variety. Culture to culture, it varies as well as individuals within cultures. To interpret, understand and predict another persons personal space (particularly people you don’t know intimately) is big work and I am convinced it also comes with a degree of luck.
Linking to a social construct that is the core of this blog (I hinted it above in regards to time), is capacity. This is one I get, because I live it - my capacity does not fit the white, euro-centric, neuronormative male mould. This is the reference point for most things in the westernised world (I would love to expand on this, but I need to dedicate a whole seperate blog to it - if/when I do I will link it here).
Spoons are a metaphor for capacity.
The social construct of CAPACITY and the variations in capacity seem to be hard for many to grasp, and I believe that it comes down to empathy. We can only be empathic when we are able to place ourselves in another’s position, meaning having a degree of insight. To not be empathic is not automatically a bad thing, as there you can instead express sympathy and/or compassion - both of which are just as important. This blog is here to provide some insight from my perspective, to hopefully spark empathy in how different life is for each of us, that we should never have a reference of ‘normal’ or ‘standard’ to unfairly hold others to.
Ignoring that capacity is individualised is a major contributor today’s burn out culture.
I’d love to run some key points here, so if anything was taken away from this blog, it’s this:
Capacity is not observable from a physical perspective.
Limited campacity is often incorrectly identified as low resilience.
Capacity is continuously variable and impacted heavily by environment.
The cost of tasks, chores, actions, activities from a capacity perspective is again individual.
So what affects our capacity? A lot of internal and external factors contribute. A great way to give insight into capacity is using the Spoon Theory, which has been adopted by many as a way to explain and give understanding. You may have heard people say ‘I don’t have the spoons for that’, or ‘I’ve run out of spoons today’.
What is the Spoon Theory and where did it come from?
The Spoon Theory exists thanks to Christine Miserandino, an amazing writer, speaker, and Lupus advocate.
Christine created the Spoon Theory in a moment of inspiration when she out to dinner with a friend who asked what it felt like to have Lupus. Initially, Christine was surprised and confused as she assumed her friend knew all about Lupus as this friend had attended doctors appointments with her, had seen Christine walk with a cane, and had been there when Christine had been physically ill - this friend had been there and seen it all, she knew what it meant to have Lupus.
What else was there to know?
Christine began listing symptoms and medications, until her friend interrupted her and asked again... “What it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be Christine, to be sick.” Christine then realised her friend had asked a question of pure curiosity about something she couldn’t truly understand. Christine initially felt lost in trying to explain until inspiration struck & she grabbed every spoon on their table as well as the surrounding tables, handed them to her friend & said:
“Here you go. Have Lupus.”
Christine explained that the limited number of spoons her friend was holding represented a currency for daily tasks, that every task costs a certain number of spoons. She explained that the difference is having to make choices of what has to be done vs. what you want to do, but also to continually having to consciously think about having the capacity to do things and trying to ‘bank’ capacity for essential actions… while some people start the day not needing to worry about the effects of their actions.
A lot of people expect to have a never ending supply of "spoons", and for many this is a reality - never having to think about how they are just going to get through the day… but that’s not always the case for others. When some people start their day, they have to explicitly plan out their actions in accordance to their capacity. They need to know exactly how many spoons they are starting with, remembering there’s also a possibility to unexpectedly lose some - meaning there needs to be continual self monitoring of spoons left, prioritising what activities get spoon priority (it’s not always what activities you want it to be), and a contingency plan if they do hit zero.
This is a powerful point as that consciousness is a continual consumption of our limited mental bandwidth.
So how does this relate to Neurodiversity?
Although being Neurodivergent is completely different to Lupus, the concept translates well - as living in a world that does not match or work with your natural way of thinking and experiences can be incredibly disabling and impacting on potential and total capacity.
Christine is a genius, and I love bringing her up any chance I get. The Spoon Theory is relevant to multiple peoples, communities, and cultures, as capacity varies within groups, and within individuals within those groups. There are some critics of the Spoon Theory that claim it oversimplifies a very complex concept, and truthfully, it does - but it’s going to be a lot harder to create compassion and understanding when presenting it in its multifaceted complex form. When introducing a new concept, starting it in its bare bones, most simplest form is best to set the scene THEN build on with depth.
What I love about Christine’s theory is that it is promoting awareness on factors such as:
Current society is not fully inclusive or compatible & experiences/environments can be incredibly disabling.
We also don’t get to choose the spoon currency of tasks and chores.
Every individuals spoon usage is unique & dependent of many out of control factors.
Challenges the buzzword of this era - resilience.
Energy is finite, it cannot just ‘magically appear’
Overdrawing from our energy / capacity stores comes with consequences - we can sometimes push ourselves past our capacity and take spoons from the next day, meaning we start tomorrow with less spoons and that continue overdraw will end up in burn out (how relevant that is for today’s culture).
Tasks, environments, & factors affect each of us differently & costs are a different amount for everyone.
What may be a task so simple for some that its almost automated and done subconsciously, for others it can be a huge capacity cost.
Environmental impact varies too, unfamiliar or unsupportive places can initiate masking for example is a continual drainer of our capacity.
A Neurodivergent nod to the ‘perfect spoon’.
This one is a bit more of a pop culture element, as on social media there is a conversation of ‘the perfect spoon’. Spoon size, weight, curve, roundness all contribute to the sensory experience of eating with it and how it directly impacts how enjoyable the meal is.
It seems to be that many people have their particular ‘spoon’ and submit to the ‘spoon council’ for review. Often met with heavy critique (all in good humour), as none of us are going to accept anothers spoon as above our own.
I encourage you to head over to Christine Miserandino’s website called ‘But You Don’t Look Sick’ to read the original blog detailing the conception of The Spoon Theory, it is truly a great read. https://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/
