No to Neuronormative Expectations!
(The words and opinions of this blog are that of the author and her experiences. This is not professional advice, and should not be used in lieu of that. )ANOTHER ‘neuro’ word, and this one is critical to understand, identify, and most importantly, unlearn. To be truly neuroaffirming, we need to unlearn Neuronormativity.
“What is Neruonormativity?”
A great question! Neuronormativity refers to the privileged, so-called neurotypical set of assumptions, norms, and practices that construes so-called neurotypicality as the sole acceptable, preferred, or superior mode of cognition, and that stigmatizes attitudes, behaviors, or actions that reflect so-called neurodivergent modes of cognition as deviant or inferior.
Neuronormative assumptions, norms, and practices uphold standards regarding, for example, what is neurotypically considered appropriate eye contact, facial expressions, prosody, conversational flow, processing, and responsiveness—all of which can be more difficult for so-called neurodivergent individuals to understand, sense, or apply due to naturally occurring variations in their neurocognitive profiles.
Unfortunately, Neuronormativity shows up within the Neurodivergent community and in my opinion, that is when I hurt the most. At first I was shocked and was in denial that my own community would place neuronormative expectations on our peers. But then I started seeing it, and seeing it EVERYWHERE, especially on social media. A couple of examples stand out in my mind…
Neuronormative Examples
‘Good’ vs ‘Bad’ Identifications.
My 8 year old daughter came home from school the other day telling me how her friend described to her about ‘the bad type of Autism’. This girl’s story was accompanied with a specific example and further proved to me these were not her words but the words of her mother, I could tell by the way my daughter recreated the conversation. My daughter then asked me if she had the bad type of Autism, and if not now, will her Autism ever become the bad kind?
I was mortified. Instead of saying what I wanted, I took it as an opportunity to educate and arm my daughter with facts and reminders, and affirm to her there is no bad autism. I understand lack of knowledge and education may be at play here, which is an explanation but not an excuse.
Stimming Judgement.
The first and the one that really woke me up to neuronormativity from within the community was when Chloe Hayden, who is a talented Autistic actress with a deadly fashion taste, was judged horridly on one of her social platforms when she uploaded a video that captured her stimming as she saw whales (I think that’s what was exciting her, or it may have been one of these magical sunsets that look like renaissance paintings). The comments were disgusting, and the worst part is it was from OTHER neurodivergents. They were writing things like she was faking it, putting it on, playing it up, infantilising Autism, that she’s damaging the community… and more. On a video she posted where her body was physically showing true elated joy.
WHAT. ON. EARTH.
Who are we to decide what our appropriate amount of stimming is? How it expresses? What we stim over? I’m sure if you are Neurodivergent and reading this, you’d probably be thinking ‘Well, I don’t have control over those answers’. And you’re spot on. So, then how do we have to right to judge, assume, or place expectations over others?
You may think there’s an increasing acceptance to neurodivergent traits, and you’re right. BUT, only in the sense that it is palatable, or slightly diverging from neurotypical expressions.
Hyperfixations are fine… IF they are known collectables like coins, stamps, stickers, spoons, magnets, mugs… if the collections are ‘cute’ in number and not excessive.
Stimming is fine… IF it’s subtle and not distracting and that somebody wouldn’t notice if they didn’t know you.
Questions are fine… IF you are in a position of authority because then you are being direct and assertive, otherwise you’re being rude or blunt.
Assuming competency vs. expecting Neuronormativity
I saw a post the other day that shattered my heart - from an ADHDer stating that it is not ableist to have the following opinion and that they are entitled to expect fellow ADHDers to be in control of or manage…
punctuality
food back away properly
not drink drive (what the heck, this is a MORAL FAILURE not an ADHD trait!)
not lose things
remember important dates
accept criticism
The biggest yikes, a perfect example of neuronormative expectations from a Neurodivergent person. It’s so hard already for us, from the continual feedback that we don’t fit or follow due to a society who is for the most part largely uneducated, un-supportive (and not supported to be supportive), and still very ableist. PLUS our own negative rhetoric - do we need it from our direct peers too? (The answer is NO if you had doubts).
I see their intentions of not infantilising us, but was ironically unable to accept criticism from MANY commenters that their point of view was in fact ableist. Assuming competence (which is what they claimed they meant in their post) and expecting performance is a big difference. We HAVE to recognise that ADHD is a spectrum, that the hyperactivity is present in different ways, impulsivity shows up different, our strengths and skills, environments, and co-existing identities are just as varied. (Also, WTF to the drink driving point - no explanation or excuse there nor is it specifically or typically an ADHD trait!)
Everyone’s access to supports - physically and financially is different. We live in a society who does not regularly provide accommodations or supportive spaces. Also, we can have all the best intentions in the world and access to all the supports but we are human, and to human is to error. Nothing is failsafe. And we may get it right 9 times out of 10, unfortunately everyone looks at that 1 time (especially us who suffer from imposter syndrome and the internal dialogue about continually failing to ‘meet expectations’).
Let’s pull one example from their list of expectations - punctuality.
I personally struggle BIG TIME with dates and days. I try my BEST, and trust me when I get it right I don’t celebrate, instead it’s a mere moment of relief that I haven’t failed again as opposed to the spiral I go down when I get it wrong or miss the event. Let’s have a look at some other factors to consider;
I don’t work traditional days or hours. I work as much as I can, when I can so days & dates don’t have much impact to my personal life.
M partner doesn’t work traditional days or hours either, he’s away at work for a week, then home for a week in ‘holiday mode’.
I put reminders on my phone. But my phone is regularly on silent / do not disturb due to sound overwhelm and the minimal sleep I get.
When I do enter reminders in my phone - I often put it on the wrong date, wrong time, no alarm for the reminder, or I’ve broken or lost my phone before the reminder is due (all things I have experienced recently).
Anxiety of missing times or dates is rife and consumes a lot of my energy. I ensure I pull up to my kid’s school at least half an hour early, often it’s an hour and half early - how consuming is that! Sometimes on the ‘bad days’ I don’t even leave and just sit in the car working for 6 hours.
What can we do when we recognise neuronormativity?
Neuronormativity can show up anywhere and everywhere. We may see it in a social media post, in words (including from family and friends), or even in our own thoughts.
Every situation and circumstance if different and there’s no blanket rule for anyone. For outside of yourself, engage only up to the capacity that you can or must. When it is directed at you specifically, RSD or that good ol’ fight or flight is most likely going to kick in. Walk away, find support in someone you trust and who knows you.
But if you are inclined or able to respond, I try my best to always do it simply and factually, and go for the education route (remember I said I TRY MY BEST). They may not pick up what they need to learn from me this time, but maybe it will lessen the resistance for listening and therefore learning next time.
When we recognise it within ourselves, it’s important that we take time to reflect on this judgement. Why are we thinking these thoughts - are they our own opinion, or are they what society has taught us to believe is the right and acceptable opinion? These thoughts may be outward, or inward - self depreciating and deficit focused (I’m guilty on the latter, I rarely give a slither of grace to myself, which is wrong).
If these thoughts remained within your head, it’s a private lesson to grow through. If you have put these neuronormative thoughts out in the world, then retract, apologise, give space, and correct yourself - whatever is needed and able to be done. We aren’t perfect (remember the whole human thing), and the best thing we can do is continue to educate and develop our understanding.
