Grieving Through Term 4
(The words and opinions of this blog are that of the author and her experiences. This is not professional advice, and should not be used in lieu of that. )For some, this blog’s title may create intrigue or confusion but for others they’ll know EXACTLY what I mean immediately. The end of year brings big emotions of all kinds, and this one I’m talking about specifically is a doozy. This feeling of grief and mourning that I am referring to is the complex and layered emotions that arise with the end of the school year. Know that this entry is just as much an out loud reflection and reminder for myself during such an emotionally charged time as it is another observation piece.
I’m well aware of what would seem to be irony, that we often dance with School Can’t but we also experience heartbreak of the school year wrapping up. Like I said, this emotion is a complex one. There is a lot of things about school my girls love and that impact them positively, even with the hurdles they experience there too.
One of the main things is the connection to their teachers, who in our case are definitely ‘lighthouse figures’ (adults who are not primary carers that assist in guiding our kids through ocean of life - a big unpack about this one in my next blog). They get inspired by their teachers, who are passionate about education. They take time to learn personal things about their teachers, and value the personal stories they choose to share - such as pets, hobbies, events, etc. As my favourite saying goes ‘inspired people inspire people’, and my girls get so inspired everyday, I see them both take the moment to say a personal goodbye to their teachers every day I pick them up.
To me, Term 4 feels like a term long funeral of losing their room teacher, their connections, their classroom, their predictability, routine, and consistency. I feel the whole of Term 4 unfortunately is a continual reminder that the school year is coming to a close as projects wrap up, all their artwork and classroom displays come down, next year’s classes are talked about, friendships lists are sent home, and some friends may talk about how they’re changing schools next year.
All these big feelings, combined with a lot of events that seem to happen in and out of school at this time of year and changes to routine, costs a lot of energy in multiple ways… and these kids are TIRED.
I don’t have the magic answer to take this anguish away, all I can recommend is show compassion, empathy if you can remember and relate personally, support and validation. Deflection, palming off the thought, or the ‘you’ll be right’ attitude can be incredibly invalidating for the child (or anyone really), leaving them feeling misunderstood and isolated.
What kids may be saying, thinking, feeling at this time:
“I love the teacher I have, I don’t want to change to someone else!”
This makes total sense - a whole year with somebody that you spend 5 days a week with, you’ve adapted and settled into their teaching style, their routines, their personality… to potentially never again having this strong connection with them. New students will come in next year taking their attention, and then the child will be in a new classroom unable to spend more time than a quick chat in the playground at lunch. How hollowing is that!?
I completely agree with this thought, thinking of it myself puts sadness in my heart! In times of this conversation I say that I totally understand and that hurt is allowed to be felt (every emotion is so important to experience and process), but I also remind them when they said that the year before, and the year before that… and if we didn’t move classes last year we wouldn’t have connected with and found love for the teacher we have this year.
“What if my friends are in different classes to me?”
Another completely justifiable concern. It’s happened to all of us at some point, when you’re split from a friend in class and the friendship loses its closeness. You’re missing a lot of the deep bonding time which is not the big things - but the little things like learning a new skill together, working on projects, getting excited, having fun…. and also getting through the boring lessons too.
Fortunately, and a great reminder, schools do their best to make sure connections transcend years by getting the kids to fill out friendship lists. Knowing that allows us to remind them at least one person they deeply value will be there - plus others too. But, those class lists can also be the catalyst for more big emotions. The crisis that comes with only having to pick 4 people when they have love for so many and just want things to stay the same, can be a conversation to approach tenderly. Validation and reminding them the friendship list is more about picking people who they think will help them have the best time they can during class next year and everyone else in that class will be a bonus.
Coming up with other things to stay connected with their friends is a great conversation too. If they get along, they will probably have common interests. Are there after school activities they can attend together? Taking opportunity to get the other parents’ contact details before the end of year is helpful. If you don’t see the other kids’ parents at school, one thing we had happen that I thought was a GREAT idea is that one of my daughter’s friends made a friendship bracelet with her mother’s number on it in beads and gave it to my daughter to give to me. Less chance of getting lost than a note!
If playdates or after school activities aren’t feasible, then what about during school clubs and committees? Signing up for them is a great bonding experience and keeps that personal connection through the school week regardless of whether they are in the same class or not.
Revisiting the above topics over and over and over.
When kids keep asking the same questions or are initiating the same conversations that we as adults feel have been talked out, know this is not a disregard for all the advice you have put time and work into carefully answering and supporting. Rather, take it more as out loud processing of these emotions and information. You may find these conversations seem to go round and round, over multiple days - but grief is a process that needs to be digested and moved through rather than a question, answer, one and done situation.
Keeping your answers calm, compassionate, logical, and consistent will not bore them - and if your answer is further questioned, or uncertainty - trust it’s still a ‘processing rather than just scrutiny. It’s rare that someone who is doing a bungee jump experience to run and leap over the edge - even though they’ve had the whole situation and process explained to them, they can see and feel the safety equipment around them and on their body… hopefully that makes sense and links to what I’m trying to say.
Feelings, actions, and reactions are bigger.
It’s an emotionally high time of year, on all fronts so co-regulation is paramount in these times. Co-regulation is helping another person find their neutral point by providing a neutral point environment with yourself. If a child is feeling a bit off the rails and everything is out of sorts, us (the primary carers) being wired, stressed, shutting down the emotions, or getting frustrated with these big feelings is not going to get the results we want. Co-regulation is SO much easier said than done, I get it - especially at this time of year. So it is essential as we set up the supports for our kids and remind them to take time to regulate, we need to be setting supports up for ourselves too.
There’s ideal ways to make sure we ourselves remain regulated, but those ways can also be unrealistic due to outside variables and circumstances. So instead of setting those impossible expectations on ourselves, I really want to press to ‘do the best you can with the resources you have’. It saves setting yourself up for disappointment (and further dysregulating yourself) by putting all your eggs in a basket that may have a broken handle.
I was shown a great regulation strategy by Dr. Oscar Serrallach and he calls it ‘A Simple Framework for Supporting the Nervous System’. It’s about taking time to ‘calm your nerves’ by doing quick little things multiple times a day, small things at least once a day, something a bit more involved once a week, and then a big one every now and then. Below you will see the examples he has shared on his socials - but take these as just suggestions and idea generators for what regulates you, what fills YOUR cup - for example, some people may enjoy a massage, but I’d list that as a form of torture. Having these things of varying effort is like an insurance policy for yourself - maybe the yoga class doesn’t happen today but the moments you paused and took a breath, the half hour you gave yourself to read a book over lunch, stops your proverbial ‘cup’ from becoming bone dry.
‘A simple framework for Supporting the Nervous System’ by Dr. Oscar Serrallach
These are just a snapshot of what comes up in our house, you may have the same or similar - or possibly the complete opposite. Regardless, the emotions are heightened as it is this time of year for nearly everyone. Some of these conversations you have may not be able to be finalised until school begins next year (which comes with its own can of worms). So try your best to take time to be compassionate (to yourself as well), hold space for these big feelings, find pockets of fun through the week, take mindful breaks or days if possible, and if you find benefit in it - take a big, long, deep breath.
